One year on...

It's now been a year since my old relationship broke down. A year ago, I was devastated and couldn't believe the life and relationship I loved for 9 years seemed to be ending. Only weeks before I was made goddaughter to the Niece (for life, right?) and we were talking about our would-be wedding guest list (NOT at my instigation, I might add. I was content as we were.) More than one set of friends said that they had always looked up to our relationship as both a great friendship and a model partnership and how utterly shocked and saddened they were to learn we had split. 

While I blame myself for a lot of things, over time I've realised that it takes two for a relationship to fail. Although I would have done whatever it took to make it work, my ex wasn't interested in even trying. 9 years literally were thrown away at the spur of the moment one morning before I went to work, when I casually said that I noticed that things were a bit distant and I wanted to work on getting closer again. (I thought it was jet lag, since we had just come back from a holiday in the US a few days before...how wrong I was!) 

Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened had I never uttered those fateful words...If I'd just left the house that day without saying anything and just intending to make more of an effort myself. Would my ex ever have had the guts to bring it up or would we have coasted through that lull like we had at other times over the years and regained the closeness we had previously always found our way back to? While I know such questions are not particularly helpful for moving forward, I can't deny wondering how differently things might have played out had I not unwittingly opened the door for my ex to leave that morning. 

That was how quickly things ended. I woke up, grabbed a coffee and on the way out the door (my coat on) I bent down to kiss my love good bye and in addition to saying 'have a good day', also said: 'Things seem distant with us, I want to make an effort to get closer again.' The response of 'What's the point' was SO not what I expected back. And just like that, we were over. 9 years dismissed without even an argument. 5 mins of discussion, my ex made it clear that working through it wasn't an option; it would only be me trying. To say I was blindsided and shocked was an understatement. 

How I made it through work that day, that week and that month I don't know. 

That said, a year on, I'm happy to say that while I may miss parts of my old life, I don't miss my ex. The tears are rarer and further apart and I go days / weeks without thinking about my loss. I'm still working my way through The List, though at this point it's serving a different purpose than it did when I started the year. Whereas before it was something I was doing to keep busy and remind myself to enjoy life in the face of such pain, now it's something positive I do because I don't want to stop trying new things. I want to keep doing things that make me happy. 

One year on and I'm happy to say that I'm in a better place and am enjoying my new life more than I ever thought possible. 

Photos: Photo: Ragma Images, Michal Nowosielski, Pixelbliss / Shutterstock