#228: Let go/move on

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on my journey since I started blogging a year ago. It's been a time of heartache and adjustment, but it's also been a time of excitement, fun and learning about myself. The fact is I'm a different person than I was a year ago. I've regained my sense of self and am capable of facing the world on my own now. I've found my inner strength again and am able to stand up for myself and for what I realise is right for me, regardless of what others think, in a way I wasn't prepared, aware or able to do until recently.

I won't divulge exactly what I wrote in my message in a bottle, but I did say goodbye to the past and was happy to watch it float away, feeling excited about the life I have ahead of me. I was therefore unprepared for the emotion that hit me a little later on my return journey.

I passed some monks on my hike back up the mountain and they nodded at me, almost knowingly. (I also passed some chickens on my journey, but they just ate fallen mango.) I felt a sudden tightness in my chest as I climbed the steepest incline and, being out of shape, I vowed I'd start exercising more.

I realised though this was not a physical pain but an emotional one. I then got pretty angry -- at myself and the world. "For fuck's sake," I screamed, "I've just thrown my message into the ocean! I'm over this! I'm tired of feeling this way! Will you just let me be?! Can I just let this go?! I want to stop feeling like this!" I was so tired of being struck by such emotion out of nowhere. I just wanted it to stop happening so that I could move on with my life.

Now, I am not a religious person at all, but for some reason I looked up to the sky and at that moment asked God to help me let it go. I had forgiven my Ex but then and there I was still holding onto something. I didn't want to anymore. I started to cry and it started to rain almost at the same time. I stood on top of the mountain by myself crying as rain came down until I couldn't tell what was rain and what were tears. I turned and looked over my shoulder, with a soaking face, only to see a rainbow emerging.

It was such a stunning and calming sight that I stopped crying and appreciated the view, immediately feeling like my prayer had been answered -- snap -- just like that. It was unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life and if I was at all religiously inclined I would have thought that it was some sort of divine intervention. It certainly felt spiritual.

Now, I'm not naive enough to think that I will never again get upset about the loss of my former life, but at that moment I let go of whatever it was I was holding onto that morning. And the thought crossed my mind that I would never again hold on to that pain in the same way again. Whatever had just happened, I had indeed crossed some sort of invisible line in my recovery. And just when I realised that, the rainbow disappeared.

Any unexpected emotions that come, I now acknowledge and then put back in my memory of that mountain, secure in the knowledge that I can choose to wallow, but if I don't want to, I can leave the emotion back on top of the mountain in Thailand.