Monday, 15 September 2014

#150: Make my parents proud

This is a tough one to publish, and to be honest, I almost kept it as one of my private items. But then I realised it was something of an accomplishment I should be proud of myself, even if I don't really agree or understand why.
Most people would like their parents to be proud of them. As much as sometimes I wish I didn't, I do. The fact is that I thought my parents, and others, would think less of me for my failed relationship. I for one was very proud to have such a long-lasting, and I thought loving, relationship. My parents were devastated when my relationship ended. They repeatedly kept saying to me how they really thought we would be together forever (at which, I wanted to sarcastically point out that wasn't a particularly helpful method of support as I, more than anyone, was the one who thought we'd grow old together! However, I managed to keep my mouth shut.) My guilt, as far as my parents were concerned, wasn't helped by the fact that our break up happened after a week-long visit with my parents, during which time my father cried to me saying how much he loved my Ex and was so happy that I was so happy in life.

Being married for 45 years, my parents have never experienced what I've gone through and is something they never expected of me. (I could have point out, again, neither had I, but again I kept quiet.) I understood though. It's not something any parent hopes or expects for their child.

So it took me a little by surprise when recently both my parents said how proud they were of me for getting on with my life, keeping the house, getting promoted at work (really, this was what they were most proud of, I suspect) and trying to have fun in spite of the pain. Part of me wants to dismiss the compliment by noting that they are 3,000 miles away and didn't see me crying myself to sleep night after night. (I should also point out they are not on Twitter/don't know about this blog so haven't seen me publicly embarassing myself, either.)

But, after such a tough year, I'll take whatever compliments I can get. Whether I feel worthy of them or not right now, I'm hoping that at some point I will.

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