Saturday, 24 May 2014

#249: Not date for 3 months

In the immediate aftermath of my break up I was a wreck. I knew I shouldn't get involved with anyone and I tried really hard to not end up in a rebound relationship. Despite my best intentions, however, I did get involved with someone...and ended up hurting a lovely, caring person in the process.

I regret that deeply and sincerely. I wish I had been stronger and had held my boundaries more firm, but I was a shattered shell of a person at the time. In the face of being actively pursued, I wasn't strong enough to stand up for the space and time that, in retrospect, I needed to properly heal. I have to live with myself and the fact that I hurt someone that I care about but realised too late was not going to work out romantically long-term.

One of the lessons I've learned through this process is that if you want to go speed dating (item #20 on my list), or dating in general, do yourself and others a favour and wait until you have your shit sorted out before getting serious. You're only kidding yourself and setting up yourself and, more importantly, some innocent person for further heartbreak.

In my defence, I thought I would never meet anyone and when I did, didn't think it would get serious. But it did. I'm not proud of myself but everything I did I honestly did with the best of intentions...I just happened to be completely and utterly naive about how I would feel as my wounded heart healed.

It's been 3 months since I ended things with ex #2 and I'm making progress towards an even longer goal every day that passes.

The last 3 months have been a revelation. Without focusing on dating or meeting someone to date, I've freed my time to focus on making new friendships, having fun and building up a life for myself outside of being in a couple. Sure it's lonely sometimes, but I've come to remember how much I actually like my own company. I'm finding that I'm having to force myself out of the house to be social, rather than the other way around. That said it is taking a significant amount of willpower at times because there are some lovely people out there, but I know it's for the best. And since it's on The List, it's something I have to stick to.

I feel like I'm in a really good place now. A place where I know what I want and don't want, and I'm not going to get involved with someone unless it really feels right. It may take many months or many years, and possibly never, but I'm ok with just me if that's what it comes to. I've realised I'm not so bad to be around after all...

Photo: Bacho / Shutterstock


  1. Hi, I have just found your blog. I seem to have been in a similar position to you. I really admire your get up and go attitude. I didn't write a bucket list but opted to write a blog/book instead. I am still writing. It is like therapy but without having to pay for it! Thanks for making me smile.
    Ben Adams

    1. Thanks Ben! I'm glad you like the blog. It's been a lot of fun and now serves a different purpose, but I've enjoyed doing it. How's your writing going?

  2. Being alone is one of the most important things I can recommend to anyone.

    After my big break up (around the same time as yours) not only did I literally move through the first three months as a mindless robot but I began a process that I had no idea how important it would be. I learned the power of living alone.

    For about a year and a half I didn't date or even think about it. I turned my focus to frankly, getting my shit together. I had no idea how broken up and messed up I was until I took the time to do the work which illuminated just how much I needed to do for myself first.

    This was very difficult for me as I have been a serial relationship person my entire life. In the end not only did I discover it was okay to be alone, I actually liked it.

    This year I started dating again because I had finally found complete fulfillment in myself. I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and on my own. I feel like it is finally time I can be fair with myself and others I date. I have established very specific criteria as to where those I date need to be. I am looking for one who is also already complete so that we don't need one another to find happiness but rather each of our completeness will simply enhance one another even more.

    As of 14 July 2014, I believe I have met that person and let me tell you, it is wicked cool meeting someone after I have learned what it means to be more transparent and to have my ducks lined up in a row so to speak.

    Your blog has been a tremendous inspiration to me the last couple of years, kind of like a vitamin supplement for my soul. Thank you and best wishes on your own continued journey!

    - Louis

    1. Hey Louis, Great to hear you found happiness -- both with yourself and someone else! Very cool! And thank you for your kind words. Good luck with everything. Let me know how it goes... -Ali

  3. Agree loads with Louis. Dealing with your issues before getting into another relationship is huge.